Frustrated. . .

My grades have not been what I expected this semester. I have had more Bs than I would like and I have found it a struggle to get even those. Math (which has been my easiest subject in the past) is a struggle this time, and I have met with my professor twice outside of class, plus I visited the Math Tutoring Center this week for extra help on my Trig test today. I will find out what I made Friday, but I am pretty sure it was a B . . .or lower. My first test in there was also a B. I am trying to resign myself to these Bs but it is not easy for me.   Then there is genetics. Yesterday was our first test in there, and I left that room feeling pretty good. I was POSITIVE I had made an A.  Today he posted our grades and OH no, it was not an A. It was not a B. It was not a C. I have a D. The class average was a 58 and I earned a lovely 64. I hyperventilated outside of his office. He tried to reassure me that I would still end up with an A in his class. I left feeling panicky and shaky. This was NOT what I expected. I work my butt off and these are not the grades I want to be getting.

A part of me wonders: am i smart enough for this? Have I bitten off more than I can chew? What would I do if I wasn't doing this?

Midterm Fun.

Ugh. I have 2 tests and a quiz this week. I should be studying genetics, but i am posting here instead? What is wrong with me?

I almost feel burnt out on the studying. And I know that I have SOOO much more studying to do, and that next semester is going to be really really hard compared to this one, and that I need to figure out how to force myself to buckle down in order to do this. But sometimes I JUST DON'T WANNA! :(

I stayed late at school today to go to the math tutoring center for a little extra help for the trig test Wednesday and then to a Chemistry seminar that was WAY over my head. Basically it was about the substances that the grad students at another university are synthesizing and how they made one crystal with Zirconium and a different crystal with palladium. We got to see the crystal though and that was pretty interesting. The seminar was worth 2 extra points on our midterm. Always a good idea.

My midterm grades were about what i expected- I have an A in everything except Embryology, where I have a B. Luckily my last test was an A so hopefully I will be able to bring this up and finish it out with an A.  I have a quiz in there tomorrow night so hoping for good numbers (maybe bonus points???)  that class is more detailed than I thought it would be. I keep telling myself that it is good practice for those later biology classes with tons of memorization - like  physiology or gross anatomy . . . those classes scare me. I am excited to take them but scared nonetheless.

Anyway, a test and a quiz tomorrow, better get some sleep. . . .

They Make Me Cry. . .

I have a problem. I read blogs. Medical blogs. But not the medical blogs that are written by doctors. Those are distant, and technical. The blogs I read are written by Moms whose Congenital Heart Disease babies have died. Moms who are grieving the loss of babies that they had prayed would be healed. Moms whose babies were born with broken hearts and whose hearts ended up broken when those babies were taken from them too soon.

My heart aches for these mothers. It breaks my heart to read their pain. I have never myself suffered the loss of a baby that was born at term- only a 1st trimester miscarriage. I don't personally know the pain these women are suffering. As a mother myself, I can imagine.

This is why I want to work in the NICU. This is why I want to be an pediatric cardiologist. This is what inspires me.

Amazing Experience Job-Shadowing

This week I had a fall break at my school. I spent it job-shadowing a pediatric ENT. It was an amazing experience. I saw a ton of surgery - I saw two different kinds of ear tubes, a tonsillectomy/adenoidectomy, lymph node removal, bronchoscopies. . . .just so much stuff. It was amazing. It wasn't just seeing the surgical procedures that reinforced my desire to be a doctor, but seeing the doctor's interaction with his patients, and the confident way that he carried himself, and the way all of the different patients and their families respected him. I was so impressed with this doctor. He was very helpful and encouraging to me, and even got me in to see an adult sinus surgery and introduced me (by NAME!!) and said that I was an "excellent MC student". . . words cannot even describe.

Anyway, now I have a renewed passion for my studies. I have a renewed desire for a career in medicine. I went to Borders today to study for my Organic Chemistry test Monday; I got there at 10:30 this morning and left at 5:30 this evening. Insanity. I see my goals so much more clearly now.

Wednesday I had to participate in a Writing Proficiency Exam for school. Mississippi College requires that all of its students pass this particular test to guarantee that their graduates have some writing skills. Anyway, the test was through ACT, and it took about 2 hours. The multiple choice part was very easy, but the essay part was interesting. There were 2 essays and we had 20 minutes apiece to complete these. The first one I tried to write a thesis and brainstorm some ideas before I started writing, but the 5 minute warning came and I hadn't finished my thoughts. I scrambled to finish my last paragraph and BARELY finished in time. So for the second essay I decided to scrap the idea of brainstorming and just write. I was able to finish this one but barely. I felt that the essay section was harder than the multiple choice by far. I am just glad that is over, and I am pretty sure I passed.