Revising the Dream....

It's been awhile since I have posted. I have spent a lot of time reflecting on my life, and what I want to do from here.

Once Christmas was over, and I had some time to recover from Gross Anatomy (during which I became so stressed that I gained 35 lbs and spent the entire semester broken out), I noticed my oldest daughter becoming emaciated. She was never overweight, and was always on the skinny side, but suddenly lost a lot of weight. She basically stopped eating and only wanted to drink. She became thirsty all the time, and was peeing a lot. I called her pediatrician and asked for a fasting glucose check on her, because obviously the first thing you think of is juvenile or Type 1 diabetes with those symptoms. Her fasting glucose was 72, so normal. However, her pediatrician noted that she had lost weight since her last appointment, and her BMI chart had taken a nosedive, as well as her location on both the height and weight charts. I expressed concern that her sister who is 2 1/2 years younger than Sara was now the same height as Sara and weighed 15 lbs more. So her pediatrician sent us to an endocrinologist.

Nightmare. That is the only word I can think of to describe the endocrinologist visits. First, he measures her and goes through her history. Then he tells us she is underweight and needs to eat more. And he does a fingerstick A1C and blood glucose and a urinalysis. He sends us away feeling terrible. He wants her to go to a psychiatrist because he feels that my 11 year old has anorexia. The next day he calls me to tell me that her A1C and glucose are fine, but that the specific gravity of her urine is very very low. I had noticed this when she gave the sample - her urine looked like water. He called us in for more bloodwork. The nurse in the lab couldn't hit the vein, and dug and dug in her arm, and ended up having to switch arms and try the other arm for bloodwork. Made me sick to see this. After the bloodwork, nothing. I waited a few days and called the office, and the secretary told me that I would receive a letter in the mail with the results. I explain that my daughter keeps getting sicker and sicker and that we would appreciate some sort of phone call. Finally the doctor calls me back and says her blood work looks fine, that her growth hormone levels are on the low end of normal, but that overall the blood work is good. Fine, but the child is getting worse and worse, drinking to the point of vomiting quite often, this is impinging on our lives, she is missing time in class because she has to go to the bathroom so much, etc. I feel like he blows me off.

I get a phone call from the school where my daughter is a 5th grader that she had thrown up. Apparently she drank too much that morning and threw up all over the hallway. So I go pick her up and take her to the children's hospital ER. At this point I am so frustrated that she is sick all the time, I am tired of no one taking me seriously, and I am worried that my daughter is going to waste away to nothing. So the ER runs a few tests and hooks her up to her first IV, and lo and behold the endocrinologist shows up and FINALLY puts the child on desmopressin to help with the extreme urination, and schedules an MRI. Shortly after this is her psychiatrist appointment where the psychiatrist assures me that she does not have anorexia, anxiety, depression or OCD. I already knew that she was okay mentally, but apparently this is something that a professional has to determine and you have to pay $350 for. . .

MRI day . . . April 4. I have to miss class for this. I feel terrible while I am holding her down for the IV part. I feel like maybe I have been overreacting. Maybe I am studying too much medicine and i am one of those people who starts diagnosing their family members with weird things. Am I putting my beautiful daughter through unnecessary tests because I am freaking out and envisioning the worst case scenario? She bravely makes it through the MRI. I feel very emotional about the whole situation.

The next day, April 5, my husband wants to take the family to a baseball game. While he buys the tickets, I receive a phone call. Its the endocrinologist. I immediately know something is wrong .  . .why else would he call me at 7 pm on a Friday evening? He tells me that her MRI showed a thickening of the infundibulum between the pituitary and the hypothalamus, indicating that she does have central diabetes insipidus (which I had suspected all along). He is concerned about the possibility of histiocytosis and wants her to have a chest X-ray ASAP. At this point I don't know what histiocytosis is, and I don't know what to say to him. So while my family is watching the baseball game, I am googling furiously on my phone and texting people. My mom, my neighbor, my best friend, a friend who is a nurse. .  . Histiocytosis scares me, and I begin to imagine worse-case scenarios.

At this point, Sara's health has completely consumed me. I had spent the better part of 4 months at this point obsessing over every bite of food that went into Sara's mouth. I would go out of my way to find special food that she would actually eat, and buying high calorie drinks in the hope that if all she wants to do is drink, at least I can get some calories and nutrients into her (she was obsessed with water, which while healthy, if it is all you consume quickly leads to a calorie deficit!) I can't focus on my schoolwork, I can't focus on the rest of my life, all I can think about is Sara. Is she going to need radiation? Is she going to be okay?

Sara's chest X-ray came back clean. They are going to repeat these X-rays on occasion to check for signs of histiocytosis, but for now it seems like the only thing she has is central diabetes insipidus. She will have to have another MRI in August to check on things. She takes desmopressin twice a day now, and when it wears off it is immediately apparent. She starts urinating a lot, and then becomes extremely thirsty. She can sense when she is getting dehydrated and has terrible headaches that make her crankier than she used to be.

I can't imagine if this had happened during Gross Anatomy. I would have failed the class to take care of my daughter. I realized through this experience that my family is more important than being a doctor, and I don't know that I can handle medical school with the other responsibilities in my life. So, a revision of my plans had to be made. My husband hates where we live. My mom wants us to move closer to her. So, after careful consideration, I have found a physician's assistant program near my mom's house that would be a good fit for me. I would still get to be involved in medicine but I would get a job sooner rather than later and I would not be away from my family quite as long. Right now, this is what I am planning on doing. My plans may change later, but this is what i want for now.

MRI day - I felt like maybe I had over-reacted

Anatomy is Aging Me!

First, I am IN LOVE with my Ipad2 for studying. Visible body is a great way for me to get a 3-D view of ligaments, muscle attachments, etc. I have all of my anatomy notes on there. It's just amazing and I love it!

Second, WOW. This has been SUCH a tough semester. I have been feeling pretty down about the whole thing. A lot of my friends who submitted their applications at the same time as me have gotten interviews. Others in my class have even gotten their acceptance letters. I don't even have an interview yet. I check my email incessantly waiting for that email saying "Please come talk to us". I feel like if I get an interview I have a decent shot of getting in. . . it's just getting that interview. Ugh. Honestly that interview has been on my mind constantly.

I have a back-up plan. I will graduate in May, and then spend one more year where I am, getting my Masters in Biology Medical Sciences, and then try again next year.

I have been trying to figure out a way to balance a very challenging class with spending time with my family. I would not say that I have been entirely successful. :( And apparently my brain is so full of anatomy that other things are falling out. I forgot to lock my car and someone stole my purse out of it. So I stopped carrying a purse and kept my debit card in my pocket, and now that is missing as well. Eek. I am such a mess!

Anyway, back to Gross. I only have 4 hours till I have to go to work so I need to keep plugging away.

Applications and Anatomy

This semester has blown my mind. The AMCAS application was a beast. I still have one letter of recommendation on the way. . . .Ugh. Ready for secondaries. Ready to know where my life is leading me.

Anatomy. Gross Anatomy makes me want to crawl under a rock and cry. SO hard. SO much information. SO much to learn in a short period of time. I spend so much time studying that I rarely see my family.  This past week I was gone every night until late. These late nights make me wonder if I made the right decision trying to go back to school to be a doctor when I have three kids. And then I wonder - if you become a doctor first WHEN do you have the kids? ugh. There's no really easy answer. I know in my heart that I will never regret spending 10 years at home with my angels. I know that I would not have been a stay-at-home mom with a doctorate. And i know that in the end I will get the best of both worlds - a demanding career AND that time with my babies.

But sometimes it is so HARD.

Wow What a Slacker!

Yeah so summer school kicked my butt --physics was no joke. And then the MCAT. What can I say about the MCAT? I took that monstrosity of a test Friday and it was LONG. And HARD. And LONG. But now that it is over i have such a sense of relief. I was a basketcase the week leading up to the MCAT. The week before my whole family went to the beach. The hubby, the kids, my mom, friends of the family....while I stayed behind and took physics and spent 100 hours of my "free" time studying for the MCAT. The week that my family returned I was on the verge of tears all the time, barely felt human. I had a physics test that Tuesday, my physics final Thursday, and the MCAT Friday so it was a tense week for me. I was incredibly stressed out and felt like studying physics was affecting my MCAT study time and studying for the MCAT was lowering my grade in Physics. I managed to pull out a B in Physics and hopefully did okay on the MCAT. We'll see. But I was a mess.

And now? Now I am trying to finish up my application. I am trying to get some volunteer hours in. I am trying to find someone to shadow. And I am trying to RELAX!! I was going to volunteer for hospice today, but couldn't because my youngest child woke up this morning and threw up all over the place. So much for that great idea. Tomorrow is my birthday - 31!! Eeek. Friday I am planning on going to hospice for a little while to visit with my patients. I really need to get those hours in!

While I am off, I have been re-reading the Harry Potter series. :) I am excited to read for pleasure. My local Borders is having a Going-Out-Of-Business sale and I have spent SO much money re-stocking my reading material, and yet I am re-reading a series I have already read? Too weird. Soon enough I will have my head buried in books once more. I am taking Gross Anatomy, Biochem and Adolescent Psychology this fall, and classes start in about 2 weeks. I am excited about these classes but worried I won't do as well as I need to.

Monday I am leaving for the beach for a few days. I am bringing a chair, a towel, and books galore, I am going to sit in the sand and read all day...:) Looking forward to it!

A Break!

Today marks Day 1 of my break. :) I have 6 days until my next class begins - DNA Forensics. I am very excited about that class. But I am also excited about this break - I need to go to the eye doctor and the dentist at some point this week. I want to read. I want to take long hot baths. I want to study for the MCAT, clean out my car and my backpack, and celebrate this sweet sweet break.

Yesterday I found out that I scored in the 79th percentile nationally on the American Chemical Society Organic Chemistry standardized exam. Honestly I thought I had done better than that. I don't know why Organic is so difficult for me. Inorganic was SO much easier for me. But excited to be DONE with organic. . . except for MCAT studying.

Took my calculus final yesterday and feeling really good about it. Hoping to pull out an A in calculus. I will have a B in Organic, but an A in Immunology, A in Cell Bio, and an A in Cell and Genetics Lab. I am feeling pretty darn good at the end of this semester!!

I received the book This Won't Hurt a Bit by Michelle Au yesterday. I preordered it from Amazon.com. I am really looking forward to reading this book this week! :)

ALMOST DONE!! :)

I survived the ACAT and the ACS exams. I finished Cell Biology and Immunology. All I have left is a killer calculus exam Monday at 11. .  .and I am DONE with this semester!

I spent 6 hours doing calculus today - until I got dizzy and twitchy. :P I think 6 hours in a row is about all of the calculus I can handle!

Finals, Lab Reports, Busy Busy Busy!

Seems like all I am doing these days is working on projects and studying for finals. Last night at 11:30 I finally finished my lab report for Cell and Genetics Lab. Ugh. So glad that is over.

Tomorrow I take the ACAT, Friday I have the ACS final for organic chemistry and Monday is my Calculus final . . . . and then I am DONE! :) WOO HOO!! One more semester down, 3 to go!

The stress is starting to get to me. I have been trying to go running every evening to try to relieve some of that stress, but it isn't working so well. I know that in 6 days that the stress will be a LOT better - but it's surviving these 6 days that is the trick!

On a brighter note - today is Sushi Tuesday - a ritual for me and my friends, and 2 of our professors have agreed to go to lunch with us and eat sushi! Looking forward to a great lunch with my friends - and the last Sushi Tuesday of the semester.

Undergraduate Research Symposium...

I was really nervous about the Undergraduate Research Symposium last night, but now that it is over I am really glad I did it, and REALLY excited to have something else to put on my CV. :) I was there with 2 others who were both listed on my poster, so I didn't have to talk too much if I didn't want to - and I didn't.

I chose to wear heels - not comfortable heels, but HORRIBLE, tortuous heels. I think I have learned a lesson about footwear; I am not a heels person. My feet hurt so bad and it was so uncomfortable. Luckily a sweet friend who was wearing cute flat sandals offered to trade shoes with me! What a nice person!

Seminar tomorrow. Organic Test Monday.

Tomorrow my school is hosting a seminar featuring a doctor from LSU Shreveport talking about the application process. I am pretty excited to hear what he has to say about applying to Med School. I have never been so afraid of rejection in my life. What if NONE of the schools I apply to accept me? I don't have a plan B. The only option for me would be to take more classes for another year, retake the MCAT, and apply again next year. Stinks, but it really is my only option.

After the seminar it is off to Borders for another marathon Organic session. Our Organic 2 class will only have 3 tests this semester. After the first 2 I have a B in there. If I don't do well on test 3 I could easily slip to a C- NOT what I want for my grades this semester. After this test, there is only a final and I am DONE with Organic. :) I can't believe this semester is almost over! I am getting so excited.

Anyway- this has been a crazy week and most of my time has been spent hunched over an Organic book. I need a massage. And possibly a tutor. ;)

Hmm.

Planning my schedule for fall, wondering if I should take a biomedical ethics class. Would this be worth my time? I could also potentially add it to my spring semester.

What would be better, biomedical ethics or something like cell physiology or biochem? I feel like I already have a ton of classes like that on my transcript but nothing at all like ethics. Just thinking.

Met with my advisor today briefly, and I am a senior! Really excited. I could graduate in December, but then I would have to take Gross Anatomy and Med Phys classes at the same time, and that would be tough. Doable, but tough. So I will go ahead and wait to graduate in May, and spread my classes out a little bit more. So excited - not too much longer!

May term, Summer, and Fall Schedules are UP! :)

Pretty excited about the classes I want to take, too. :)

May term I am taking DNA Forensics. Excited about this. Should be an easy A, interesting class, and its only 2 weeks long.

Summer I have Physics 1 and Physics 2.

Fall term I am taking Gross Anatomy, Adolescent Psych, and Quantitative Chemical Analysis (the only class I need to minor in Chem).  Why am I excited about this schedule? Because I will have Mondays and Fridays OFF and only have Gross Lab on Wednesdays.

I fell today at school. The ground was wet and I was walking downhill and apparently my foot just slipped. I ripped a big chunk of flesh off my knee - it's cut pretty badly. And then scraped about a foot down right on my shin bone. Ouch. Also mashed my hand, pretty sure it will be bruised tomorrow. :(

So, rough day, but excited about registration now.

April 12 can't come fast enough - there are only 20 slots for undergrads in Gross - hoping I get one of those slots because otherwise I don't know what I will do for fall!

Alpha Epsilon Delta. Midterms. NUTS! :)

I am being inducted into Alpha Epsilon Delta Thursday. They are hosting a banquet afterwards, so I felt that it was pressing for me to find something to wear to this event. Saturday I spent an entire afternoon shopping, trying on dress after dress. I have lost over 30 lbs since December, so not only do I not really have anything appropriate to wear to a banquet, I CERTAINLY don't have anything appropriate that fits me anymore. I am very excited about this banquet, and yet it is bittersweet. I am going alone, because my 8 year old has a soccer game that same night, at the same time. I hate missing their events. :(

Midterm grades were what I expected. Immunology- A. Cell Biology-A Cell and Genetics Lab- A. Organic Chemistry - B. Calculus - B. Not thrilled about the two Bs, but those are both classes that I really tend to struggle in. I was debating about whether or not to drop calculus, but as I am planning on taking Cal-based Physics this summer, I feel that the calculus will be necessary.

School is great. I am so happy right now. I don't know how to explain it, I just have this general sense of happiness and peace. I feel confident that this is the path I want to take. I feel grateful that I have my amazing family and my awesome friends to help me down this path. It's just a general sense of contentment that I have that makes me happy. :) And also a little nuts.

I can't believe it!

Spring break is OVER! :( tomorrow it is back to the old grind. I have Organic chemistry, calculus, cell biology and genetics lab, and resistance training. I would rather be in the hospital looking at Echos.

I feel like I accomplished a ton this week. I have a good bit of the organic final study guide completed, I shadowed about 25 hours, I read 2.5 books, I did 2.5 hours of volunteer work through hospice, my house is spring cleaned, my laundry is caught up. . . . pretty good for just one week. :)

I also did a lot of work on my memoir, which is coming along quite nicely. I have 18 pages single spaced so far.

I am feeling pretty bummed about going back to school tomorrow. I did not get to sleep in much this week, nor did I get a TON of schoolwork accomplished. I feel like I will really have to push myself this week to get a lot of work done in calculus-  we have a test Friday, and that is not an easy class for me. I guess what I need to do is focus on how "at home" I feel in a hospital setting, and remember that the studying and hard work I am doing now will pay off in the end when I am a REAL doctor and I get to really help people.

Only 5 more years! ;)

Spring Break Job Shadowing - Days 3 and 4.

Day 3, my friend Teresa joined me at the hospital for a day of shadowing. There wasn't as much to see Day 3, as the doctor that I was shadowing was behind on paperwork and spent a good deal of time dictating and working on the computer. There were a few patients to see, however, and still much to learn.

One of the things I really feel that I really feel I strengthened over the course of this week is the way I feel about the patient exam. I am much more comfortable around patients after this week, and I believe that this will really help me in medical school when I have to do my first physical exams and have to get patient history for the first time.

I feel really strong in my ability to look at an EKG or echocardiogram, and I have heard several murmurs with a stethoscope.

What an awesome week. I really don't want to go back and work on organic chemistry after this week. I really wish I was done with school and could just skip right to the work in the hospital!

Job Shadowing During Spring Break: Day 2.

Today was another long day of job shadowing a cardiologist. We saw a lot of the same patients we saw yesterday, as well as new patients. The cardiologist I am shadowing was paged multiple times to the ER both days, and it was interesting to see what these kinds of cases look like from the doctor's perspective. I have been an ER patient before, but never got to see what the doctors see.

I really enjoy the hospital environment. One thing that job shadowing has helped me realize is that I definitely want to work in a hospital environment, not in an office. I am sure that for some doctors working in an office setting is wonderful and a perfect fit for them, and maybe when I am really old and approaching retirement, the office will be a better fit, but I really like the hospital environment.

I enjoy seeing hospital procedures as well. Some of the procedures i have seen in the hospital this time include cardioversions and catheterizations.  I enjoy the procedures the most. I like the choreography of surgical procedures, the scrubbing in, the sterilized drapes, the cleanliness, the way everyone seems to know exactly what they should do next and where they should go.

Looking forward to tomorrow. :)

Job Shadowing during Spring Break: Day 1

Today was day 1 of job shadowing this spring break. I spent 9 hours following a cardiologist around. It was a really great day, we spent a good deal of time looking at echos- I feel good about my newfound ability to recognize an aortic valve on an echo! And we also looked at EKGs and he taught me how to read one of the strips. My doctor gave up the elevator for lent, so there was a lot of exercise involved as well!

I really enjoyed cardiology. I was familiar with a lot of the medications used and conditions they were talking about because I lost 2 of my grandparents to congestive heart failure, so I felt like I had some idea of what they were talking about. I also got to hear a heart murmur on a patient with a stethoscope.

One of the best things that happened today was that a sweet patient's wife told me that i would make a great doctor. :) Really fun, I enjoyed myself and can't wait to go back tomorrow!

Pre-Med Career Day at UMMC.

Yesterday I spent the day at the School of Medicine at the University Of Mississippi Medical Center.

They had several speakers. They had a lady who is on the  admissions committee telling us what they look at when deciding who to accept. They had a person from financial aid talking about ways we can pay for school. And they had the dean of student affairs telling us about student life on campus. During lunch, med students rotated from table to table, talking to us about what life was like during their year. We could ask them anything we wanted, and they were willing to tell us - EVEN their MCAT score, which it seems people don't like to mention. :)

Then we went to mock lectures. My friends and I were signed up for genetics and pathology, but the genetics professor never showed up so they came and took us to the pharmacology lecture - MUCH cooler, I'm sure. In the pharmacology lecture they had a patient simulator - and he had a heart attack. They went over which meds they were going to give him in the ER, and how you can administer nitroglycerin every 5 minutes, etc. Then the patient coded and student volunteers gave CPR and administered a shock. It was very interesting, the material was very relevant, and I think everyone was riveted. What a great way to teach pharmacology!

The pathology lecture was what really had me riveted. I loved the slides of arteries, he had some that were 90% occluded and then one that was occluded by a thrombus. He gave scenarios and showed us different slides based on those scenarios. I really really liked pathology.

After that we went to a meeting area where different student groups had set up tables explaining what they were about. They had a dummy and i got to intubate him. :) they also had fake arms to practice drawing blood but the line for that was too long. We got to pick up treats from various tables, including pens, bandaids and candy! :)

I really really enjoyed this. I felt like it made me excited to go to Med School. It reinforced the fact that I REALLY need to work on the MCAT study materials that i have this week while i am out for Spring Break. It made me see how badly i REALLY want to become a doctor.

Tomorrow i will be shadowing a cardiologist. I am looking forward to seeing some really neat stuff while I am shadowing him. Hopefully he will have procedures/patients all week so that I can get a lot of really good shadowing hours in over Spring Break. It is hard for me to find the time for volunteer work and shadowing this semester, with 17 hours plus research, and 3 kids and a husband. Hopefully next year will be a lighter schedule, but with Gross Anatomy on the agenda I am thinking it will not be. ;)

Because I don't have enough going on . . .

A few weeks ago I decided to write a memoir, and I found that as I began writing, there was a LOT of stuff inside of me that wanted to come out. It has been cathartic, and somewhat painful. I am calling it "Fatherless" at this point, but that is only a working title.

Hoping to make a lot of progress on this over spring break! ;)

SPRING BREAK! :)

Only 2 more days of classes until Spring Break! And I am PSYCHED! ;)

I registered for the MCAT - doomsday will be August 5.

I am going to the Med School Saturday for a Pre-Med Career Day thing. It is a day full of meetings - meeting doctors and medical students, hearing about what med school is really like AND things to do now to help me get in. I am SO excited.

Spring Break will be spent at the hospital as well - going to be job shadowing a really cool guy I know who just happens to be a cardiologist. Should be fun and informational - and will look good on my CV.

Tomorrow I meet with the volunteer coordinator for hospice. She is taking me to a few local nursing homes and introducing me to the staff so that I can get started with my volunteer work. I am really excited about this - and certain that I will enjoy this type of work as well as learn a lot about various conditions and diseases. That's the plan anyway.

Busy busy busy. That's been the story of my life lately. But it is all exciting, and all of it is just taking steps to get closer to my goal!

Another Week Down. . .

This week I only had 1 test - in Calculus. I am glad about this since my husband has been out of town and i have been taking care of the kids by myself all week.

Next week I have an organic chem lab midterm, a test in cell biology and a test in immuno. Eek! It's going to be a busy week. So glad that my husband will be home in time to help me with the kids during all of this.

The agenda for the weekend: kids have basketball, cheerleading, soccer and the end of the season awards ceremony for Upward. I have to work. I REALLY need to register for the MCAT before all of the slots are filled. And study for the 3 tests I have next week. :) It just may be a crazy weekend! What else would you expect from my crazy life!